What The Fuck Are We Doing?

I have absolutely no clue what the fuck I’m doing with myself or my life. I just feel like I’m on autopilot just going through life to go through it. Maybe it’s because I have multiple things I'm interested in doing or maybe it’s because I was forced to grow up way too fast. Maybe it’s because growing up I was told I was trash and would never amount to anything. You know that one scene from Aladdin when the fancy guy on the horse tries to whip the kid in the street, but our boy Al stops him. They guy says,”You were born a street rat, you will die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you.” 

Yeah, that kinda sums up the way I was raised. Anyway, maybe that could be why I, among other people, feel lost. There is also societal pressure to have it all figured out by the time you are 25, hell even 18. I can only speak from my experience as an American citizen from the United States. It is ground into us from conception to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and soldier on. That we should be good boys and girls and play our assigned roles. 

I find it laughable that we, as a society, expect an 18 year old to know what they want to do with their lives. I look back at my 18 year old self and feel sad for her. I want to hug her and give her some sensical advice that is not fear based. That you know, maybe college is not it for you. Maybe college is not it for some of us. Not to take on mountains of debt to get an education, that may get you a liveable wage. Or it can destroy our financial future. Did this plan ever work? For some people, absolutely, but for the vast majority of people, it seems as though it failed. 

As so many people before me have griped, and I am sure so many after will, this is not the 20th century anymore. What worked for older generations, doesn’t work anymore. We need to come up with something else then, go to college, meet other human, graduate college, have smaller humans, buy wood box, get four legged pal, work, WorK, WORK, maybe vacation, smaller human big now, bigger smaller human begins adult life cycle, empty nest, bigger smaller humans  has own smaller human, original adult humans dead. REPEAT. 

This lifestyle works for some, not all. If someone chooses to live that way, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. It seems like a beautiful life for some, but not all. LIFE LOOKS DIFFERENT FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE. 

Maybe I am just being a cynical ass hat talking out my rear end. But I say nay, dammit! I am just tired of other expectations. I feel like we are all tired. 

We subscribe to a success narrative, like no one ever fails. Like no one ever gets ground down to a husk of a person and the shadow of a soul. I don’t mean to be so glib and pessimistic, but that is the mood vibrating through the world currently. While success is not a dirty word, the way by which we reach it is heavily scrutinized. If I said “I want to be a singer,” I get laughed at. If I said “I want to be a doctor.” I get praised, but told it's hard work, and good money. It’s prestigious and seen as superior to being an entertainer.

*I am using this as an example. I am not pooping on either profession. I respect them both. And they are both needed. *

We want people to be who they are, but how we want them too be. It’s a dizzying dance of collective individualism. A waltz on a tightrope of fitting in and not challenging the grain of expectations.  

Another way for us to feel incompetent is in the procreation department. There are a plethora of people online and even laws governing our bodies and minds.  Strangers are upset that people, especially women, are choosing to be child free. Why does that bother anyone? Is it because there will be less bodies for the corporate meat grinder? Is it the misogynistic thought that that’s what women were put on this earth for? To make baby go brrrr…..Then wouldn’t that be what men are also put on this earth to do? Did people ever stop and consider that it’s non of our fucking business? Nope, it’s all about them and what they feel is best for you. 

The irony is not lost on me that as I compose the spastic, semi-sensical rant I am also a hypocrite. My railing against the status quo is nothing new. I just feel a general “fuck it all,” attitude bubbling below the surface of this world. There are so many people out there doing what they were told to do. Following someone else's plan and feeling miserable. I understand people have to make money to survive. But I honestly feel nothing in this world needs to be this expensive. School, housing. groceries, children, medical care, etc. 

But a reminder this is just a late night rant. I am not trying to invalidate anyone's way of life, thoughts, opinions, or feelings. I am expressing my own musings. I don’t have any sold suggestions to improve the world we live in. Because just like life right now, nothing will work for everyone. Will there ever be a day when people can exist peacefully and do what brings them joy, and fulfillment? Well, as long as it's not harming anyone. Because there are some sick creatures out there. Does this world really have to be played on hard mode for a majority of us? 

Maybe I shall ponder some general improvement for the world and get laughed out of existence for my folly and hubris. 

Until then. Stay weird.